crushed but not destroyed

learning to deal with disappointment is something i still havent quite gotten the hang of. considering how many times i have been disappointed in life, i guess i should have already built up an immune system, right? but perhaps it is just that spirit of hope inside that thinks maybe this time it will be the time when you will get what you wish for and i think not losing it is probably a good thing as well. if i lose hope (i.e. get used to being disappointed and not even put myself out there anymore), then wouldnt life just be really stagnant?

i guess what i should be learning is to grow in the knowledge that He has plans for my life - i think i am probably too short-term/narrow in my thinking, and that what seems to be the best plan for my life probably isnt the best in the long run. i'm finding it really hard to trust in Him because it means so much to me and i keep thinking that if i dont put in the effort, i'm going to get left behind and miss out on life while everyone has these amazing 'breaks' for them. i've had amazing opportunities in the past and even though they dont seem to be amounting to anything now (and seriously, they really don't), i really shouldnt be discouraged and take them as blessings because they really are.

why am i so worried and concerned about this temporal life when death becomes the greatest equaliser? and being a 'late-bloomer' isnt a bad thing because you'd still be enjoying it when everyone has becomg disillusioned, right?

and this set-back means that i can go home and spend time with friends that i dearly miss. and maybe things will work out to be fantastic later on.

i remember when i was a lot younger i had an argument with someone close about grades and it was something like me pointing out that i did better than some people and she saying that i shouldnt compare myself to people below me but to people who did better because if not i'd be complacent. i know she meant well but i think in many ways it probably put me on a spiral of depression because i always felt i wasnt good enough. perhaps i need to find that balance between pushing myself and taking a moment to be thankful for whatever i have had.

i'm thankful for being able to study what i want to do, even if it means i'm less employable.
i'm thankful that i have a job to go home to this summer.
i'm thankful that i will get to meet up with friends that care so much about me and whom i have so much fun with.
i'm thankful that people are so eager to know when i will be back.
i'm thankful that my mom and dad have given me so much freedom when i was growing up.
i'm thankful that my mom still somewhat sees me as her little girl because even though i may wish she doesnt now, i know that in the future when i need her she won't turn me away.
i'm thankful that my dad treats me like a responsible adult with money matters.
i'm thankful i have tutors that believe in me and think i have potential.
i'm thankful i am going to have a fantastic third year.
i'm thankful that whatever i'll do after graduation, there are pros and not all just cons.

so i shouldnt worry, shouldnt be despairing, shouldnt be uninspired. but look at what He's done in my past and see what greater things he has for my future.