going to a place where you'll suffer no more
i havent talked much about what has happened over the last few days because i guess my emotions are so mixed about it.
on one hand i should be happy because she's finally got her release - she's been called Home to the Lord, to be with my grandfather and to really live. i know it sounds strange but i've always felt that i've never really seen my grandmother live. life wasnt always pleasant and perhaps with age came pain and suffering. maybe the times i saw you unhappy, almost bad-tempered, you were angry with the world or even with God for dealing you such a lot. once it started, i never saw you fully recover.
perhaps that's why i am upset. because for years i never got to spend time getting to know you. i guess seeing you showed me my mortality and i was a child that was busrting to enjoy life, rather than being with you and feeling so helpless. it's easy when it's not your grandmother - so so hard to embrace it when it gets to close to home.
when i received the news i was in a poetry class, talking about poetry and dark themes. it was a shock despite knowing it would happen sooner or later. isnt it funny that one can analyse death but when it happens feel so speechless?
i had stuffed you at the back of my head because we never really had a personal relationship for years and the distance made you almost a stranger. yet i felt emotion choking up my throat - why was i upset? because you've gone? a sense of guilt?
or perhaps a longing to be with my father and comfort him because i wouldnt know what to do if both my parents died in a year. a desire to be with my family and enjoy the time spent together.
in a way it's good that i am here and not going home for the cremation - i dont think i can deal with funerals. and in a way, it doesnt feel like they've really gone. just that we've stopped visiting each other.
and that we will all meet up in heaven - where you will be so transformed and happy. where we can have only joyous times together. where i will see you young and whole and radiant with His glory. where we can start afresh and have a relationship that lasts an eternity.
in the end i'm glad you've gone. i hated seeing you the way you were. and now both of you can be together again - just like old times (when you were younger?) but a thousand times better.
dont be offended that life moves on for all of us - it's not that we dont/didnt love you. but we havent lost you forever, we've just been separated temporarily till we meet in Heaven.
on one hand i should be happy because she's finally got her release - she's been called Home to the Lord, to be with my grandfather and to really live. i know it sounds strange but i've always felt that i've never really seen my grandmother live. life wasnt always pleasant and perhaps with age came pain and suffering. maybe the times i saw you unhappy, almost bad-tempered, you were angry with the world or even with God for dealing you such a lot. once it started, i never saw you fully recover.
perhaps that's why i am upset. because for years i never got to spend time getting to know you. i guess seeing you showed me my mortality and i was a child that was busrting to enjoy life, rather than being with you and feeling so helpless. it's easy when it's not your grandmother - so so hard to embrace it when it gets to close to home.
when i received the news i was in a poetry class, talking about poetry and dark themes. it was a shock despite knowing it would happen sooner or later. isnt it funny that one can analyse death but when it happens feel so speechless?
i had stuffed you at the back of my head because we never really had a personal relationship for years and the distance made you almost a stranger. yet i felt emotion choking up my throat - why was i upset? because you've gone? a sense of guilt?
or perhaps a longing to be with my father and comfort him because i wouldnt know what to do if both my parents died in a year. a desire to be with my family and enjoy the time spent together.
in a way it's good that i am here and not going home for the cremation - i dont think i can deal with funerals. and in a way, it doesnt feel like they've really gone. just that we've stopped visiting each other.
and that we will all meet up in heaven - where you will be so transformed and happy. where we can have only joyous times together. where i will see you young and whole and radiant with His glory. where we can start afresh and have a relationship that lasts an eternity.
in the end i'm glad you've gone. i hated seeing you the way you were. and now both of you can be together again - just like old times (when you were younger?) but a thousand times better.
dont be offended that life moves on for all of us - it's not that we dont/didnt love you. but we havent lost you forever, we've just been separated temporarily till we meet in Heaven.
posted by ade at
10:35 am
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