dreams are a passage to your inner thoughts

last night i went to bed feeling really down because of a combination of things. essentially it was because i feel like i've been working so hard and nothing has come of it.

i had a dream that was so real it was unsettling. i dreamt that i knew i was going to die soon. like any moment. and for a while i kept thinking, i'm going to go like NOW. NOW. no, wait. NOW.

and it never came. my heart never stopped beating.

and all this time i was thinking, i want to go now while everything i've done is completed. i dont want to start something new and die without finishing it.

but the longer i waited the die, the more i felt like i already didnt exist. like i was not treasuring life. yet part of me kept stopping myself from picking up another project and doing it because what happens if i die just when i got over that inertia and started it?

then i started to think how i'd like to die. would i want to be near my loved ones or would seeing them make dying too painful to bear? would it be selfish to not want to see their faces as you are taken? would it be better for them if you just quietly sneaked away? maybe getting over you would be easier...

but then dying without saying goodbye would be like not closing a door in this world, right?

am i morbid?