my fears and insecurities
have you ever felt like you dont quite belong to a group? like you are always the one slightly out of a circle? i get that a lot. i have always felt like i wasnt good enough/popular/well-liked enough and i always strove to try and squeeze into the popular group, the group that always looked so cool and fun. i've had this fear that if i dont hold on tight enough to something it will disappear when i am not paying attention and i'll lose that bit of happiness that i allow to fill my life, to fill that hollowness that i have from low self-worth.
i know that God loves me unconditionally but sometimes when everything creeps into your life or you allow yourself to be caught up with the world and forget that he is there 24/7, you feel so fearful. fearful of not being loved. of being forgotten. i think i've nailed it. i am afraid of being forgotten. of being a distant memory in people's minds. of being that nameless, faceless person standing at the back of a group. i am afraid that no one will love me if they realise what an average/boring/screw up i am.
today i talked to norman and he told me that i am a free child of God and not to allow myself to be bounded by things not of God. that i am not responsible for everything, especially for people's responses to me. i guess he and josh are right. i should stop blaming myself for everything that goes bad. stop feeling guilty that i am a let down and a disappointment, that i break hearts and cause hurt. and appear cold and unfeeling. as much as i try to let go and let God, i think i still hang on to that guilt because i have always had it in my life and it has grown on me. the self-pitying me.
i want Him to take EVERYTHING away. and today in church (which i almost didnt make it because the bus didnt show up. thankfully God knew how much i needed service today so He sent josh to pick me up) pastor helen showed a video clip and one line stood out - "you are never unloved". you know why? because He died for me. He would have done it JUST for me. and boy do i really need it. when i look at myself i think that He really needed to go through all that for me because i am such a screw up. and i've realised that He sends people to show me i am loved. perhaps i am looking too hard for love when all along it was there. know how sometimes you try so so hard and nothing seems to be better and people still get or get even more hurt? i feel that all the time. i just want to let go. it hurts too much to keep trying. i feel so bogged down with cares that i cant keep it up. i dont really know how to respond to stuff these days and it tires me out thinking of how to because nothing i say might really help mend a broken heart.
please God, help.
thank you jeannie, josh and norman. i felt loved today.
i know that God loves me unconditionally but sometimes when everything creeps into your life or you allow yourself to be caught up with the world and forget that he is there 24/7, you feel so fearful. fearful of not being loved. of being forgotten. i think i've nailed it. i am afraid of being forgotten. of being a distant memory in people's minds. of being that nameless, faceless person standing at the back of a group. i am afraid that no one will love me if they realise what an average/boring/screw up i am.
today i talked to norman and he told me that i am a free child of God and not to allow myself to be bounded by things not of God. that i am not responsible for everything, especially for people's responses to me. i guess he and josh are right. i should stop blaming myself for everything that goes bad. stop feeling guilty that i am a let down and a disappointment, that i break hearts and cause hurt. and appear cold and unfeeling. as much as i try to let go and let God, i think i still hang on to that guilt because i have always had it in my life and it has grown on me. the self-pitying me.
i want Him to take EVERYTHING away. and today in church (which i almost didnt make it because the bus didnt show up. thankfully God knew how much i needed service today so He sent josh to pick me up) pastor helen showed a video clip and one line stood out - "you are never unloved". you know why? because He died for me. He would have done it JUST for me. and boy do i really need it. when i look at myself i think that He really needed to go through all that for me because i am such a screw up. and i've realised that He sends people to show me i am loved. perhaps i am looking too hard for love when all along it was there. know how sometimes you try so so hard and nothing seems to be better and people still get or get even more hurt? i feel that all the time. i just want to let go. it hurts too much to keep trying. i feel so bogged down with cares that i cant keep it up. i dont really know how to respond to stuff these days and it tires me out thinking of how to because nothing i say might really help mend a broken heart.
please God, help.
thank you jeannie, josh and norman. i felt loved today.
posted by ade at
12:22 am
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