what are you going to do next year?

yesterday i had a fantastic gathering with the Whitefields 17 people! (or rather, with some of them - the cool ones!) first year seemed paradoxically so long ago and yet not.

time seems to stand still and yet propels itself forward.

for once in my life, i have no idea what i am going to do with my life. since all my plans have fallen apart (yes, ALL), i am suddenly left with so many options. i've even thought about doing a Masters', which a few months ago i would have been totally adverse to.

when i heard from the last company (which was a big fat NO), Josh asked me if i was ok. and strangely enough, it didnt hurt anymore. nothing. not even the indignation and disappointment from the previous 3 rejections. not even the 'why cant they bloody give me even a chance with an interview'.

i guess i've come to accept that this might not be His plan for my life. and thinking about it, going home will mean that i can work in an arts organisation (no matter how crap the control over the arts are) because i am not worrying about having to pay rent (thanks mom and dad!).

it was strange thinking that in the next few years, all of us Whitefields people would be doing totally different things - paulski would have been subsumed into the corporate mafia, owen will be doing radically amazing TV work, iain would be in RADA doing theatre design, lauren will be... hmmm...

i dont want university to end. but i'd hate to be left behind. and the thought of being left behind is enough to propel me forward.