"how do you mend a broken heart...?"

a month ago, my life radically changed. when i look back at things, sometimes i feel overwhelmed and yet there is a sense of surrealism...

i used to believe that you can only truly love someone once you are able to realise that you dont need a person to complete you. i set out for myself a guideline that if things fail, i am still a whole person and can live on. but when push came to shove, fear gripped me. i was unshakeable in my decision to cling on because i had all along thought that things would never fail and this, i guess, was my test. it was when i was talking to a friend with a similar problem that i confessed that sometimes we stay in things out of fear. fear that you might not find something as good. fear that if you gave it up you'd just end up alone and with nothing. i guess pride came in as well. i could not believe that i was wrong. i looked to the signs of how things started and i was convinced that it was fate. fate was telling me that this is my path in life. and everytime things went awry i would remind myself of the past and how everything told me that i should hang in there.

i guess i was delusioned. and it was time to wake up from the dream. over the last few days i have been looking bad and it fills me with saddness. just this feeling of tears welling up, of lumps at the back of your throat. why am i sad? because admitting you were wrong is painful. seeing how much people get hurt drives swords through your heart.you know you should move on because God has better things in store yet sometimes you wonder, what if i had swallowed my pride and allowed myself to face the truth earlier? or if some things hadnt happened, how different would your life be now?

every action you do reveals part of you as a person. as i look back i realise that i was such a child no matter how grown up i believed i was. i wanted so badly that dream to come true. sometimes i feel so tired and worn out by the world and even by my own emotions. and at those times i know that i can only do one thing. sit at His feet. when i am sad, He will comfort me. when i am depressed, He will lift my spirits. when i am tired, He gives me rest. when i am lonely, He is the one friend that i will ever need.

and now i am going to do just that. because i feel so filled with sorrow looking back that i feel like a little girl, standing somewhere unknown, surrounded by bleakness. He will give me peace and show me His love.