i love English humour

and their ability to laugh at themselves...

snip snip chop chop

i was procrastinating the other day and decided to cut up an old polo shirt that got damaged in a dryer last year. the ironed-on patches had turned grey from the heat and it looked AWFUL! because the patches were on the front, i reversed the shirt and created a low-back top. since the back was low-cut, i had to snip off more material in the front to make the shoulder bits match. the only problem was that the shirt wouldnt stay up because it was big to start with - so i snipped the front and tied it up to tighten it.
initially i made the back ruched up but because i had cut it too low (to work around the grey patches), it didnt sit well and was rather loose (i.e. hanging instead of classily draped). since the bow worked for front, i repeated it on the back.
can't wait to wear it out! fashion-experiementing is SO MUCH FUN! i'm SO going to do it again! :)

getting confused with my own essay

i'm sitting her on a Sunday evening trying to write a 5,000 word essay BY tonight (because I am trying to fool myself that it is due tomorrow instead of next week) but i'm getting confused by my own essay. and i mean my own essay because i actually formulated the question and chose what films i was going to write about. then i started thinking how i make this essay fantastically insightful to warrant a first class mark.

but Surrealism is so difficult to pin down and hard to explain. and i'm stuck at the introduction of the concept and trying to make it sound ingenious and brilliant. because i know that the marker expects a heck of a lot in order to give a first class mark. he went on and on about how some past third year essays have even been published and he hopes we will write to that standard.

i am stuck mid-sentence because i cant remember what my point was supposed to be:

This deconstruction of space and time through the unification of ‘spatial elements of image and temporal elements of narrative that deconstructs the usual function of each’...

crap.

Friday evening

it is PURE EVIL to make a class watch Amores Perros (2000) on Friday afternoon/evening.

EVILEVILEVIL

it is one heck of a violent film. not just in terms of people hurting other people (and bloody scenes of a car accident) but dogs fighting other dogs. dogs that have been trained to kill other dogs in fights.

and blood is simply mopped up and the next fight goes on.

i can understand how it is effective and contributes greatly to the point that the film is trying to make but i had to stop myself from walking out of the film to see how it was "essential".

though half the class was too disgusted and walked out anyway.

after the film we gathered outside and everyone looked dazed. and depressed that we actually HAVE to watch it again on Monday.

to add to the situation, next term's films are pretty violent as well. case in point: Irreversible (2002).

what a way to start the weekend - and because the film was longer than the class time, i could not make it to Westwood in time for Lyrical class so i ended up going for Body Conditioning instead.

which in the general scheme of things (i.e. getting fit), isnt too bad. but still...

Watching the latest episode of Gilmore Girls this morning, I felt that someone really understood how I felt

Rory: Everything's just ending. I just feel like everything is going to be over. I'm done at the paper, soon I am going to be done at Yale and I'm just like, I'm standing on this cliff looking out into this huge foggy...
Lucy: Abyss?
Rory: Like a huge foggy abyss! and... and in my whole life there has never been an abyss. it's been abyss-less! I've always known exactly what is in front of me. And I've always know exactly where I am going and now... I don't know what's out there.
Olivia: Besides fog.
Rory: A tonne of fog. And I hate not knowing what is out there. I mean what's going to happen with my career, and my relationship with Logan, and the rest of my life!
Lucy: Rory...!
Rory: I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to drag everything down...
Lucy: I SO know what you are talking about.
Olivia: Totally!
Rory: Really?
Lucy: Are you kidding? Once I move that tassle to the other side I have no idea what the hell I am going to do. I mean, besides that FBI gig.
Olivia: I'm an Art major, not like that is an obvious roadsign to the rest of my life.
Rory: I can't believe you guys worry about this. I mean, you're so carpe diem-ish.
Lucy: Well how can you not be worried about it?
Olivia: Everywhere you turn on campus someone is talking about their brilliant plans for next year.
Lucy: Even our friends that are really cool and laid back, English majors, Philosphy majors... they are talking about becoming investment bankers. When did that happen?
Olivia: Traitors.
Lucy: And the other day someone used the phrase "negative amortization". What the hell is that?!
(pause)
Rory: I have no idea what I'm doing. (pause) Maybe I should be applying to grad school or something. Journalism school or Law school. Maybe I should go to Law school.
Lucy: Dude, you don't want to go to Law school.
Rory: I SO don't want to go to Law school.

There's No Business Like Show Business - and what a great attitude to have!

from 'Love's Labours Lost', performed by Nathan Lane

The butcher, the baker, the groccer, the clerk
Are secretly unhappy men because
The butcher, the baker, the groccer, the clerk
Get paid for what they do but no applause

They'd gladly bid their dreary jobs goodbye
For anything theatrical and why?

There's no business like show business
Like no business I know
Everything about it is appealing
Everything the traffic will allow
Nowhere could you get that happy feeling
When you are stealing that extra bow

There's no people like show people
They smile when they are low
Even with the turkey that you know will fold
You may be stranded out in the cold
Still you wouldn't trade it for a sack of gold
Let's go on with the show!
Let's go on with the show!

There's no business like show business
If you tell me it's so
You get word before the show has started
That your favourite uncle died at dawn
On top of that your Ma and Pa have parted
(NO! MAMA! PAPA! MAMA! PAPA!)
You're broken-hearted
But you go on...

There's no people like show people
They smile when they are low
Yesterday they told you you were not the part
That night you opened and there you are
Next day on your dressing room they plant a star
Let's go on with the show!
Let's go on with the show!

food experimentation

the other day i decided to make chicken skewers using a recipe i found in one of the random cookbooks i have. incidentally it came from one called 'Healthy Eating' which when i brought it down to the kitchen it was met with an incredulous expression from my housemate Michael. as you can probably tell, my housemates and i are not diet-/health-obsessed. we are hard-core foodies.

it was called 'Spicy Chicken Skewers' which involved using yoghurt in the marinade, something i thought would be interesting to try since i've not done a dish like that before. the recipe did look bland/boring/urgh in terms of flavour as it only asked for yoghurt, 1/2 a teaspoon of ground tumeric, a clove of garlic, a small red chilli (chopped) and the juice and rind of half a lemon. i decided to pack in more flavours by tweaking it a bit:

200ml of yoghurt
1/2 clove of garlic (because i discovered i only have half left), finely chopped
1 (rounded) teaspoon of ground tumeric
a splash of extra hot chilli powder (to make up for the fact that i didnt have any fresh chillies)
a small knob of ginger, finely chopped
juice of 1 lime (because it has a punchier flavour than lemon)
a handful of parsley leaves, roughly chopped
1/2 teaspoon of chopped lime rind
salt
pepper

soak the skewers in water so that they dont catch fire when you grill them.
skewer the chicken and coat with extra marinade so that they dont dry up under the flame.grill till you get the nice charred look.

the strange twist to this is when the skewers were grilling, lynn (my other housemate) came through the front door and asked if i was making otah otah (spicy fish paste wrapped in banana leaves and grilled). i hadnt noticed how the chicken smelt of something so familiar from back home. once they were done, i did a taste test and to my surprise, the chicken tasted like pandan chicken grilled in banana leaf.

and the funniest thing is that i didnt put any pandan into the marinade.

so now i've a recipe for pandan-less pandan chicken. how cool is that?

dreams are a passage to your inner thoughts

last night i went to bed feeling really down because of a combination of things. essentially it was because i feel like i've been working so hard and nothing has come of it.

i had a dream that was so real it was unsettling. i dreamt that i knew i was going to die soon. like any moment. and for a while i kept thinking, i'm going to go like NOW. NOW. no, wait. NOW.

and it never came. my heart never stopped beating.

and all this time i was thinking, i want to go now while everything i've done is completed. i dont want to start something new and die without finishing it.

but the longer i waited the die, the more i felt like i already didnt exist. like i was not treasuring life. yet part of me kept stopping myself from picking up another project and doing it because what happens if i die just when i got over that inertia and started it?

then i started to think how i'd like to die. would i want to be near my loved ones or would seeing them make dying too painful to bear? would it be selfish to not want to see their faces as you are taken? would it be better for them if you just quietly sneaked away? maybe getting over you would be easier...

but then dying without saying goodbye would be like not closing a door in this world, right?

am i morbid?

At bus stop, travelling homewards

there's something about the crisp autumn air
it makes you think of school and the excitement of a new academic year beginning again
of the preppy clothes you are almost encouraged to wear
images of 'back to school' fashion spreads seem to merge with life
there is a sense of familiarity
or routine and comfort
because this has been such a big part of your life
terms and years beginning all the time

yet in a year this will all be alien to me

autumn is so different from summer, or even spring
in summer you feel a need to begin an adventure
as if you are freed from whatever chains and constraints
almost like you have the license to do anything and be anyone
it is a time to indulge, be hedonistic;
in spring you are overwhelmed with anticipation and frustration
you seem to be waiting for SOMETHING to happen
and time seems to drag on and on
winter is lovely with the warm soups and the cosy gatherings
winter for me is food and festivities
time for family and reunions
not as depressing as some people say it is
because even though it gets dark early
houses begin to pop up as little bits of light
until a street is but a row of warm yellows popping up in the midst of blackness

the darkness that descends in the late autumn and winter
remind me of my film screening rooms
i seem to live vicariously through the images on the screen
when you step out into the twilight
the world seems foreign
unreal
and for a moment you catch yourself thinking
'where am i?'
somehow walking out into darkness eases the transition
you can dwell in the limbo for a little longer

i've been watching loads of films brimming with vivid colour
the world seems pale in comparison
as i sit in the clinically white-lit bus
yet i am perhaps made more aware of colour
for when i alight and walk down the street
past houses of red brick
and the street light suddenly switches on
i notice the pretty hues created by the light on the pavement
and how the houses look almost magical now

as i sit in the classroom and think about English poetry
i feel almost like Chinhua Achebe
i'm an asian in a class of whites
and the tutor is asking about our responses to things in English culture
like what comes to mind when you think of 1950s Britain
i am using a "foreign" language to explore identity
but strangely enough, no one is really a true Englishman in the class
everyone seems to be a bit of Welsh
Irish
Scottish
heck, even Jordanian
so why do i feel like such an outsider?
how odd the way the mind works!

i feel a desire to stop time
to freeze this moment
i used to wish for my life as a student to be over
so that i can do something REAL with my life
but all i want to do is treasure this
the contented life i lead
the 'intellectual without appearing pretentious' life
(or perhaps just pretentious to a few vs many)

will spring be different this time?
i wait for winter to engulf me
so that i can hibernate
and live in a forever-moment

going to a place where you'll suffer no more

i havent talked much about what has happened over the last few days because i guess my emotions are so mixed about it.

on one hand i should be happy because she's finally got her release - she's been called Home to the Lord, to be with my grandfather and to really live. i know it sounds strange but i've always felt that i've never really seen my grandmother live. life wasnt always pleasant and perhaps with age came pain and suffering. maybe the times i saw you unhappy, almost bad-tempered, you were angry with the world or even with God for dealing you such a lot. once it started, i never saw you fully recover.

perhaps that's why i am upset. because for years i never got to spend time getting to know you. i guess seeing you showed me my mortality and i was a child that was busrting to enjoy life, rather than being with you and feeling so helpless. it's easy when it's not your grandmother - so so hard to embrace it when it gets to close to home.

when i received the news i was in a poetry class, talking about poetry and dark themes. it was a shock despite knowing it would happen sooner or later. isnt it funny that one can analyse death but when it happens feel so speechless?

i had stuffed you at the back of my head because we never really had a personal relationship for years and the distance made you almost a stranger. yet i felt emotion choking up my throat - why was i upset? because you've gone? a sense of guilt?

or perhaps a longing to be with my father and comfort him because i wouldnt know what to do if both my parents died in a year. a desire to be with my family and enjoy the time spent together.
in a way it's good that i am here and not going home for the cremation - i dont think i can deal with funerals. and in a way, it doesnt feel like they've really gone. just that we've stopped visiting each other.

and that we will all meet up in heaven - where you will be so transformed and happy. where we can have only joyous times together. where i will see you young and whole and radiant with His glory. where we can start afresh and have a relationship that lasts an eternity.

in the end i'm glad you've gone. i hated seeing you the way you were. and now both of you can be together again - just like old times (when you were younger?) but a thousand times better.

dont be offended that life moves on for all of us - it's not that we dont/didnt love you. but we havent lost you forever, we've just been separated temporarily till we meet in Heaven.

call me Monica Geller

because i suddenly realised how obsessed i am with kitchen (or general house) cleaning.

today when i was about to cook lunch, i stared at the stove top and was revolted by how greasy it was so i ended up spending 20mins scrubbing the grease (most of!) off the surface before proceeding to cook.

and because the grease has been caked up for ages, some of it didnt come off. and all the time i was cooking i kept thinking 'DAMN i need to buy one of those steel scouring wool things to really scrub all the dirt off''.

scary...

and today while josh and i were driving through some really nice areas in Kenilworth and Balsall Common looking for used car dealerships, i kept thinking, 'wow those house are nice and big. think how much cleaning i will get to do!' (and not in a dreading sense but in a if-i-am-fortunate-to-be-a-housewife-i'd-gladly-be-a-Bree-Van-De-Kamp way)

not really the right time to be thinking that when i should be gearing up for graduate applications! :(

am i to be alarmed

that my coursemates are pretty terribly kiasu?

we have an essay due in week 10 (it's end of week 5 now) and some of them already started doing work on the essay in week 3.

and today when i went to the library to find books on Buñuel, the only books on the shelf were the ones in Spanish, even though the catalogue said that they were available in the library.

which leads to the following 2 conclusions:
1) people were reading the books in the library (really?)
2) people hid the books

either way, it sucks because i can't place a booking on a book that is technically IN the library.