film is a REAL degree: April 2005

how many people DO read my blog?

it is quite amazing to discover the number of people that read your blog without you knowing... till they come asking if you are ok.

Thanks guys... and thank you jieyang for all the support. i know i havent exactly been the best person to you recently but i really want you to know how much all that you have said means to me. remember how we used to say we were each others' 'bestest' friends? it's nice to know that we can still talk and share so much with each other. you and i both know that we will always have a special place in each other's hearts.

by the way joyce, how DID you stumble on my blog?

i think i am beginning to heal. and yes i think i should make the conscious effort not to second-guess myself all the time. let's just leave it to Him and rest. JUST REST.

Leaving it to Him

in cell today, someone said something that struck me - Be anxious for nothing for it is all in His hands.

Do not fret or have anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. And God'd peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

i have been worrying whether he is ok because he didnt reply some of my messages online over the last 2 days. i guess i feel guilty to some extent for breaking his heart and i'm worried he will sink into depression. as much as i have been praying for both of us to have peace and to grow in God's love for us, i think i havent quite let go completely to Him.

i have been pondering about what is love - i was sure i was in love but was i really? having some doubts about myself and my feelings and not sure i can trust myself again. when i next fall in love, or what i think is love, am i really in love? "what is love?" and the verse 1 John 4:10 keeps coming to mind -

This is love: not that we love God, but that He loved us and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

does that apply to romantic love? that we love because someone loves us first? but then no one can love as perfectly as God. i think that looking to Him and basking in His love, we love each other out of the overflow of His love. and as much as i have so many questions that seem unanswerable now, i should just lay them all at His feet.

He seldom reflects on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart. Ecclesiastes 5:20

sometimes i think we think too much and live in our minds a lot. so much that we allow ourselves to sink into depression (i am pretty guilty on this). it is good to think about things and sort out your thoughts but not to dwell in them and wallow in self-pity. i want to let Him fill me with gladness and let His joy be my strength to get from day to day.

Healing doesn't take time, it takes encounters with God

today in church i was spending time sitting in His presence and a series of images came to my head. a small, gawky-looking girl standing on top of a wobbly stool reaching out for a heart-shaped glass bowl filled with candy that was high up on a shelf. and as she tries to get the bowl, she loses her balance and the bowl falls to the ground, smashing to pieces, while the little girl falls back and scrapes her arm and has a huge cut across her palm. afraid, she goes to her Father, big eyes welling up with tears from the pain and still shaking from the shock. her Father tells her that He isnt angry that she broke the bowl, as exquisite and beautiful as it is, and He holds reached out to take her hand that has been cut, wipes away her tears with His big hand and cleans the wounds, bandaging it and telling her it'll heal soon.

talked to him today and he has been such encouragement which is strange considering how hurt he must be. i feel useless. it was a bittersweet conversation but what he said really struck me.

"scars are signs of wounds that have healed"

Friends are friends forever

a lot of things have happened in the past few days.

yet friendships, strong ones at least, ones where 2 people have shared so much of their lives together, will always remain.

things may not work out the way we had hoped they would. but God has great plans in store. i will always treasure what we shared and it has been an amazing time. the girl and the boy have grown up and it is time to enter a new phase in their lives, where friendships will remain as strong as ever because it was always friends first. it was where everything was built on. while the topping has crumbled off, the foundation remains.

God's love

have you ever suddenly realised that you have been living in a bubble? or more likely, decide to face the truth that you are? it seems like i am clinging on to a rosy picture i want to have and in gripping to it, i tell myself to hang in there because i will ultimately be rewarded for my patience. so much time has been invested - why give up so easily? know how sometimes you say, "God's will be done" but in actuality you are striving to make God's will conform to yours? or at least delude yourself that you are following it?

God's love is perfect and it never fails. The fact that we can never truly measure how vast His love is comforts me because i know i'll never be disappointed. And He is the same yesterday, today and forever. i will never not be loved, or loved any less. "Nothing you can do can make Him love you more/And nothing that you've done can make Him close the door". i dont need to earn His love neither can i be separated from His love.

if you have a butterfly in your hand and you try so hard to hold onto it, you end up crushing it. perhaps that is why God gave us choice - to choose Him or not to. because how can love be true love if it is forced? He cannot cling on to us because we will end up broken. i feel broken by life's experience and all i want to do now is to reach out my hands and let my Father carry me on His shoulders. i just want to be a small child again, helpless but strong because my Father takes care of me. disillusionment brings about low self-worth but somehow everything is ok with Him because i am in Christ.

testimony... i almost forgot!

looking at the pictures i have on my blog i was suddenly reminded of the testimony that i had intended to write about God healing my hand.

well during the cell retreat to Peak District i was going down a muddy slope and klutzy me (you'd wonder for a person who is supposed to have good balance) slipped and made a totally UNGLAMOUROUS fall (which according to Jean didnt look that bad) and stuck my hand out to support myself. BIG MISTAKE because afterwards i couldnt feel my right arm as it was numb with pain. i was overcome with fear because the last time something like this happened was in secondary 3 (hands up all who remember that HORRIFIC experience of me falling in front of all the cheerleaders - though half were my friends) and i fractured my elbow as a result. i panicked because i was afraid of permanent damage or at least enough damage to cause a lot of problems when school starts. after a while i could feel my arm again but in the car ride back my entire arm was in aching pain with the occassional sharp pains. was praying in the back seat that it'll be ok and that the car would move JUST that bit faster. sigh. i have to admit i cried when i got back home because it was bad. after taking 2 panadols josh took me to the hospital but thankfully the doctor said the joints were ok and i didnt need an x-ray (dont get me started on the National Health Service in UK) but by then the pain had subsided. Praise God because the next two days i didnt feel the need for anymore paracetamol (which was what the doctor told me i should take) and i picked up a pen and did some writing on wednesday. still get the occasional aches but i believe that it has been healed and it's so amazing considering how much pain i was in when it happened.

God is faithful!

my exam timetable

I CANT BELIEVE IT!

i just found out my exam timetable today...

1 June 2005 - Film Criticism
2 June 2005 - Aspects of German and French Literature in Translation (what a mouthful) in the morning AND Film Practical Criticism in the afternoon.

THAT'S IT! not to say i am complaining I only have to do 3 papers. but all of them are in 2 days and that means loads of essays! and no in between time to cram. my brain has to work FULL-TIME during those few days.

sigh. but that means... IVY, we can go holidaying earlier. AMY, when you come over you have to 'quiz' me on how well i know my stuff. we can still do stuff. i probably will need the break from the studying...

Elim Cell Retreat to Peak District (more pictures to come...)

all of us at Peak Cavern

tricia, ME, lynn and jean... taking a leisurely stroll in the country...

i love flowers! great photo by tricia. THANKS!

SHEEP! hehehe...

TRYING to have a singing session in the fields but it didnt QUITE work out... jacob, roy, steve, tricia, ME and josh

at least i know i have ONE friend who will always love me... for eternity...

had a nice talk with an old friend yesterday and it was great to talk and lay some things to rest. it seems like lately i have been reminded of how much i have failed a lot people and it made me question how good of a friend i am. it is a depressing thought but then i dont want to sink into depression because it isnt from God - He is my joy. and i guess that no matter how much you seem to constantly fail people and never, or hardly, learn from your mistakes, you cant do it out of your own effort and you need God's love to overwhelm you so much that people benefit from the overflow.

and i am very thankful that at times when i am reminded of my own shortcomings, it is also a point when i remember His sacrifice for me and that He chose to die, even if it was just for me and that He has accepted me and nothing can change that. He is my one friend who wouldnt love me any less for not being a good person.

and it just brings tears to me even now. Praise God because He is so amazing.

Bruges, Belgium

the view of the Markt as you walk down the streets

grand buildings in the Markt... City Hall

Basilica of the Holy Blood

the waterways... did you know Bruges is known as the 'Venice of the north'?

view of one of the cathedrals from the canals

gorgeous waterways

Cathedral connected to the Grutthouse mansion/Museum...

ok remember the cute guy i was talking about earlier? he is RRRIIIGGHHHHTT? :)

Antwerp, Belgium

Grote Markt

Our Lady's Cathedral

beautiful stained glass

panels depicting the 12 'stations' that Christ walked through to Calvary

one of Ruben's paintings... the Crucifixion...which character are YOU in it? the ones that cry for his death? the ones that sob by the side helpless? or the strong ones like Mary and John at the back?