film is a REAL degree

Saturday, May 28, 2005

lost steam for a while, but I'M BACK WORKING FOR GOD

i got back my Modes of Reading essay on tuesday and horror of horrors, she gave me a 59! (actually she gave me a 58 but blotted it out and gave me a 59). and it was such a let-down because i was expecting at least a 70 because this module was fully assessed by essays and i was hoping that i could use this module to pull my grades up to an overall first class (at least if it was a 70, my first class for that module is in the bag and i'd just have to work to get the other 2 modules to a first class). so now Modes of Reading is a 64.5%. was feeling down for quite some time and after that lost the drive to study because it would be near impossible to get an overall first class now.

but i'm back on my feet (hopefully) because i remembered what eliza said on tuesday in cell - she was telling me that her friend reminded her that even though we let God take control, we cant give up working because Jesus said "Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." and as much as i've been saying that i will work for Him, i guess part of me is also working for other reasons, like personal gratification.

but God can do a miracle for me - if not a second upper aint so bad (because He can bless me in other ways). so from now on, i will strive on for His sake. :)

and AMY WAN IS VISITING ME TODAY! not that it is a good thing if i want to be a recluse and study. but i dont need to study 24-7 to do well because i just need to trust that He will bless the time i spend on my studies. and He has been faithful and He always will.

Monday, May 23, 2005

the atrocities of stationery companies

i lost my LAST pilot G2 pen. it wouldnt be such a catastrophe unless you are like me and brought LOADS of refills and not have a pen to put them in.

so i decided that i HAD to go to Lazerlizard (the stationery shop on campus) and get one. even if it was exorbitant. because i like how G2 pens glide across the page which is what i need when i am scribbling away in exams next week. call me resistent to change but i dont get that feel with ball-point pens, which are what i have left now.

at Lazerlizard i witnessed how stationary companies rip students off their money (and also made myself feel smart for bringing my stationery to the UK). for all of you that know about the bargain buy of the VJC bookshop, here is a shocking discovery... the 40 cent pens (think they are Pentel or something) that have a silver casing with vertical lines and a thin tip costs GBP 1.55 (or was it 1.15?) here! *gasp* that is like... 10 or more times the price! and pilot G2 pens and refills share the same NUMERICAL price.

i had better not lose this G2 pen anytime soon...

i need You God to be faithful

finding out some stuff can be upsetting and when you look at the situation it oftens brings you down and you get all worried and upset. and then your mind starts racing and you think of 'what's the worse that can happen' and you get even more scared.

at times like these it is easy to forget God's faithfulness in the past, and how much He has blessed you. everyday is a blessing from Him already. every friend is sent by Him. everything you have was because of Him. it is easy to say to yourself, "dont worry... He will be there for you... trust in Him" but you can still feel the fear inside.

today in church pastor duncan was praying for people who have fear and worry in their lives and i stood in answer to that call. i felt it was so personal because of all the issues i have been having. and when i found out some stuff tonight, my first reaction was, "nevermind... it isnt THAT big a problem" but the more i thought the more i started to get upset. my faith wanes and it is so easy to lose sight of God. and to think that i have already received prayer this morning for the problem in my life!

i feel that sometimes my faith is so weak. i know that it was better that Christ ascended into Heaven and sits at God's right hand because it means that His work is complete. but sometimes, when i am especially down, i wish he was still on earth and i could get a hug from Him. like i need a physical hug to feel secure.

josh just shared this song with me... it is hard to pick yourself up when you are so down but it helps to have people close by to aid you along the way... they are reminders sent from God that He hasnt left you all alone to face the world.

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
with songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You
I will trust in You
Let the weak say
"I am strong in the strength of the Lord"

Saturday, May 21, 2005

"how do you mend a broken heart...?"

a month ago, my life radically changed. when i look back at things, sometimes i feel overwhelmed and yet there is a sense of surrealism...

i used to believe that you can only truly love someone once you are able to realise that you dont need a person to complete you. i set out for myself a guideline that if things fail, i am still a whole person and can live on. but when push came to shove, fear gripped me. i was unshakeable in my decision to cling on because i had all along thought that things would never fail and this, i guess, was my test. it was when i was talking to a friend with a similar problem that i confessed that sometimes we stay in things out of fear. fear that you might not find something as good. fear that if you gave it up you'd just end up alone and with nothing. i guess pride came in as well. i could not believe that i was wrong. i looked to the signs of how things started and i was convinced that it was fate. fate was telling me that this is my path in life. and everytime things went awry i would remind myself of the past and how everything told me that i should hang in there.

i guess i was delusioned. and it was time to wake up from the dream. over the last few days i have been looking bad and it fills me with saddness. just this feeling of tears welling up, of lumps at the back of your throat. why am i sad? because admitting you were wrong is painful. seeing how much people get hurt drives swords through your heart.you know you should move on because God has better things in store yet sometimes you wonder, what if i had swallowed my pride and allowed myself to face the truth earlier? or if some things hadnt happened, how different would your life be now?

every action you do reveals part of you as a person. as i look back i realise that i was such a child no matter how grown up i believed i was. i wanted so badly that dream to come true. sometimes i feel so tired and worn out by the world and even by my own emotions. and at those times i know that i can only do one thing. sit at His feet. when i am sad, He will comfort me. when i am depressed, He will lift my spirits. when i am tired, He gives me rest. when i am lonely, He is the one friend that i will ever need.

and now i am going to do just that. because i feel so filled with sorrow looking back that i feel like a little girl, standing somewhere unknown, surrounded by bleakness. He will give me peace and show me His love.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

another laundry story

yesterday i did laundry because i was running out of underwear (remember my LAST story?) and yes, i have another story... SIGH...

put my laundry into the washing machine and went home for lunch. kind of forgot to go back after lunch to put it in the dryer but was thinking i'll do it later, not a problem. so when i did go back a few hours later i opened the washing machine and MY CLOTHES WERENT THERE! someone else's were. so i panicked and started wondering where my clothes got thrown to. finally found them in one of the dryers so thought, hheeennggg.. i'll just start the drying then. however, when i did my folding last night i realise one of my nice orang socks was missing. so... it probably was that whoever who moved my stuff left the orange sock inside and now it is gone forever... :(

why am i always the victim of bad laundrette tales?

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

the end of the episode with the cleaners

yesterday i wrote in to complain about my cleaners...

the email...

Dear Sir/Madam,

I write to report that there was no cleaning of Whitefields 17 today. As there is no cleaning service over the weekend, we have run out of bin liners for the kitchen bin since there were no extras left on Friday. I am surprised that no cleaners came in to clean today despite it being a normal working day and I do hope that someone will be able to come in and clean tomorrow. Thank you for your kind attention.

With regards,
Adeline Li
Whitefields 17K

today the cleaner came in at about i think 8.30am to put toilet paper in the toilets (i discovered this during one of my toilet breaks) and at about 11.30-ish to clean the toilet. when i came back from handing in my essay i saw that the kitchen was still in a mess. and i was like, WHAT?!? one of the cleaning supervisors came in to check whether any cleaner had come in and i said yea someone came to do the toilets but the kitchen is still untouched. and then she came in and bumped into the cleaner who had done the toilets so i was thinking, oh so he is still here. maybe he'll do the kitchen too. but as i sat in th lounge having lunch i saw the cleaner come in through the kitchen, look around, put on his jacket and walked out the door. i was getting very annoyed and was thinking of drafting another email to complain but was feeling really crabby so went to bed. apparently while i was asleep the cleaner came back and did the kitchen at about 2pm. so things seem to be back to normal (i.e. the cleaners have stopped their childish strike - we were the only whitefields flat to not have anyone clean on monday). at 7pm i checked my email and realised that they had sent a reply...

This was the reply... (at 2.37pm)

Dear Adeline,

Thank you for bringing these issues to my attention. As a result, I have asked the Supervisor to investigate why we failed to provide the cleaning standards in flat 17.
Please rest assured that the regular standards will be maintaned today and will continue as normal. However, should you have any other issues on this matter I would welcome your comments.

Kind Regards
Jeanette Wright
Accommodation Service Manager


i'm thinking that whoever the cleaner is in charge of our flat is in big trouble. but then yea he deserves it for being slack and immature (he doesnt do a good job and we've been having a little tiff with him because he left rat poison TWICE next to the stovetop instead of putting it away behind the stove and he comes in all sullen and refuses to clean some areas because of some pots and pans left unwashed on the side).

quick point of information

2 pots of chinese tea flushes out the toxins in your body. it keeps you awake. and gives you such a nice sweet taste in your mouth. the aroma is heavenly. it's great hot, warm or cold.

and it gives you great excuse to take breaks from work to visit the toilet. like once every 15 mins. :)

oh bother... another all-nighter. sigh.

i remember saying last week that i wouldnt do an all-nighter again. that i'd force myself to start my essay earlier and get it done by sunday so that i can actually not put myself through another 24 hrs of staying wide wide awake.

HA HA HA.

i am at point number one of my essay, with 10+ hours left and as i am not really thinking that much now, i have resorted to typing all the quotes i want to use (including the referencing) so as not to waste time. ingenious, aint it?

by the way mom, the tea that you asked me to bring? the one that po-po always brews at home? I LOVE IT! and it is keeping me more awake than other teas. FABULOUS. :)

POT NUMBER 1

LAST ASSESSED ESSAY FOR THE YEAR! but then after that it is EXAMS. how nice.

Monday, May 16, 2005

WHERE HAVE THE ACCOMODATION CLEANERS DISAPPEARED TO?

no one came in to clean the house today. therefore we have the following problems...

1. the bin is full but we cant take the rubbish out because we have no more bin liners. the cleaners conveniently forgot to leave some over the weekend. the one we have in the bin (which by the way is FULL) was after a long search.

2. the toilets are out of toilet paper.

3. the kitchen counters are dirty and downright gross. (this is probably my flatmates' fault because they tend to leave their dirty stuff on the counter).

4. the stove needs new lining but we dont have the heavy duty BIG aluminium foil sheets.

what has been done?

a) andy and will have sent in a complaint.

b) tom has tried to call the accomodation office but no one is in.

c) i have sent in an email to report their MIA-ness.

what has come out of this?

NOTHING. except i think tom was too pissed off and is cleaning a bit of the kitchen now.
oh wait... correction: he is cleaning up half the stuff which actually is HIS. sigh.

Friday, May 13, 2005

my misadventure at the laundrette

have i mentioned that me and the laundrette dont have yuan fen (fate)?

in the first term, i lost a panty in the washing machine. it was one of my nice pink ones too! when i told sherwin that he laughed and said that those sort of stories (where people's clothes get eaten up by the machines) are the sort you'd hear of in NUS (National University of Singapore). jieyang's conclusion at that time was that i have a stalker. hahaha...

every once in a while my coins get eaten up by the machines. especially the dryer. AND ONCE THE CHANGE MACHINE ATE UP MY MONEY. i put a GBP5 note in and only 2 pounds came out. the machine had run out of change. so i went to rootes social building to complain to accomodations who told me that the laundrette was managed by the union. then i had to go to union reception and file a complaint. only got my money back later in the day.

and yesterday... sigh... oh yesterday...

i did my laundry last night. put a full load into the dryer because of an amazing lack of dryers that were free for use. came back and guess what i discovered when i opened the door? one of my bras had gotten caught in the drum! i tried to tug at it for a long time then remembered that josh, who was at my house eating dinner, had a swiss army knife. came back and not only borrowed the swiss army knife but also the owner of the swiss army knife to come help. THANKFULLY it was one of my more presentable bras (black and simple) and he and i were trying to figure out what to do. he used his knife to hold the back plates open and i tried to pull it out but we realised that the clasp had hooked onto the plate. so... i said, just cut it. and he said, wah your bra very hard to cut. after a long time of sawing at it, he tugged again and the band came out, without the clasp which was stick onto the plate. so actually, if we had tried hard enough, we didnt have to cut the bra. sigh.

i am definitely looking forward to having my own washing machine next year. and i can imagine that the moment sherwin reads this he will laugh in my face. sigh.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

things are swinging into momentum (hopefully)

been more productive the last few days doing work. i have discovered that when the house is very quiet, the lounge is a good place to study because of the HUGE table and the close proximity to the kitchen (hehehe...). yesterday iain and i cleaned the table (i used a sponge and soap and scrubbed the table) while he dried it and we sat down and did work. it was rather productive in the evening (after the rest of my housemates got bored of making noise and being silly) and it reminded me of my old studying habit of hogging the dining table at home with piles of books and files which i found very effective. in addition, studying in the lounge means no internet so no excuse to distract myself (except for food which i have never considered a distraction anyway).

yesterday i was talking to daphne because she was going to make marshmellows from scratch (impressive!) and i told her that TESCO and Sainsbury's didnt sell plain gelatin. but while searching online at the Sainsbury's website, i suddenly had this inspiration to bake a tart. hahaha... yes i am getting into the swing of cooking again. it always seems the case when i am stressed/studying that i have urges to cook. i guess food makes me feel all OoOOo inside. if you get my drift.

my studying is a bit slow but at least i am sitting down and seriously getting some work done. :) hopefully i will get ENOUGH work done before the exams. wondering if a first class is too much to aim for because my film average is a second upper and my literature is barely a first. oh well. i'm trusting in God and shall not stress about grades.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

my huge cooking plans

so this whole lor mai kai thing has been started on my blog, thanks to josh. :) today at cell i was talking to tricia about it and she got everyone excited about my cooking. HAHAHAHA... goodness. i think it is partially because it is exam term and people are burying their noses in books and here i am cooking. like spending loads of my time/energy cooking. because (a) it is calming/relaxing, (b) it takes my mind off the stress, (c) i need good food to fuel me, (d) it is a more productive break-time activity.

so i decided to cook a meal for the girls in cell. especially because poor eliza has stressful housemates that play this really FUN game. it is a "let's all study 11 hrs a day and whoever doesnt has to cook dinner for us" game. LIKE SCARY.

and in the meantime i realised i used up all my chinese sausage which the recipe for lor mai kai calls for. so what do i do? i start scouting around for chinese sausage. guess what? my BELOVED daphne has! and she is psyched up to come cook lor mai kai with me! hahahah... how exciting!

mother dear, your daughter is fully utilizing her time away from home to learn and polish her hostess skills. she aims to grow up to throw the BEST dinner parties and yes, this is INVESTMENT for your big 25th wedding anniversary party because if your daughter does the catering you will get GOOD FOOD for half the cost.

was talking to jieyang today and he commented that i am always eating/talking about food. do i always...? hmmm...

by the way, if anyone is suffering for malnutrition/bad student food, msg me (or tag) and maybe you might get invited to a meal. should i start charging? if not i might make losses... hmmm... moon! remember my ingenius plans to start a catering business at NTU? hehehe... sounds like things are shaping up!

P.S. did i mention that josh and i are planning this HUGE meal for my housemates at the end of term? I SOOOO CANT WAIT FOR THAT! we already started planning! forward thinking...

what i discovered (and confirmed) from my last all-nighter

1. my concentration level and level of 'awakeness' drops DRAMATICALLY at 2am. it is the time that i am almost certainly not able to do work AT ALL and once i pass that hour my concentration level goes up again.

2. taking a shower definitely helps keep me awake (a very hot shower is soooo relaxing) and in the shower my mind becomes clear and i formulate points to write in my head...

3. when the sun rises (which is gradually becoming to a weird time like 4.45am), time seems to move so much slower, almost as if it is slowing down just for me to have more time before my deadline.

4. i am very effective from 4am onwards. on monday morning i wrote 500 words per hour from 4 to 6am and another 500 words from 6 to 7.20am. that was effectively 60% of my essay in approximately 3 and a half hours.

5. i am never satisfied with my essay until a maximum of an hour before the deadline.

isnt it crazy that i have 3 weeks to my exams and i still have one more essay due next tues? sigh.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

why cant i concentrate?

i am supposed to be doing an essay now. i had set a target of 1000 words by today and today is ending in 3 hours time. this is bad. and in the meantime what am i doing? searching for recipes online for Lor Mai Kai. finally found one and now i seem to be searching for something else to do other than work. i am frustrated with my essay because there were so many events in the novel and i have to keep going back to reference and find out which even happened before which event. strangely enough, Modes of Reading (the module i didnt quite like) has more straightforward texts... darn! oh well... i wish i was doing a module in Home Econs. should i transfer to cooking academy? at the moment i'd so much rather be doing that than write an essay on Camus.

and i keep popping Pringles. and eating ice cream. my third one today! sigh...

i need to pray about my concentration levels.

Friday, May 06, 2005

it's raining... whee...

it's raining now (it's 10.25pm)... the sky is dark, and it is good proper rain (not like usual British rain that cant decide whether to not rain at all or go all out - thus a drizzle) and i feel suddenly in the mood to do work. "why?", you ask. because i love rain. i remember waking up early in the morning back home in singapore at 5am and realising that it was raining and i'd crawl back to my warm bed after getting out of bed to stare at the rain pitter-pattering on the window pane. i remember everytime it rained during a literature exam (especially practical criticism) and i'd love to sit near the window and stare outside (to break the monotony of writing and looking out out of the window, no one can accuse me of looking at other people's papers) and get inspiration to write. i love the blurriness that the rain makes everything look. i love sloshing around in the rain, how when you are walking in the rain you sometimes cant help but laugh because you always get wet no matter how hard you try not to... rain is comforting to me because my imagination just goes wild. rather than when it is bright and sunny and you wish you were outside instead of home. i guess i am a home person (which might explain the housewife instincts) and you know what i am thinking of right now? steamboat. curling up against the window, wrapped with a blanket and staring at the rain.

well, back to my essay... :)

Exam Film

excited/anxious/nervous/raring to go today because i watched my exam film - see, i have this paper which is something like practical criticism. they screen the film 3 times and you go read up all about it and prepare somewhat. you go into the exam hall and answer the one question on the film you prepared for. and they didnt want to tell us the title beforehand so that everyone will start on equal footing. and also so that everyone experiences the first screening, where you watch the film for what it is (unless it so happens to be a film you have seen before) and you are not influenced by what you know/read/have heard of the film.

MY EXAM FILM IS ALFRED HITCHCOCK'S Shadow of a Doubt (1943). it is apparently hitchcock's favourite film! waaaahhh...

after the screening i went to the library (hey i wasnt the only kiasu person, ok? there were a few of my coursemates there too) and found some readings. combined forces with 2 other girls and did some photocopying (well i decided to be NICE and not borrow out the books... allow others to read too) and then i went on my own to the Student Reserve Collection (where a lot of high-demand material is stored) and photocopied 2 very good articles/chapters of some books on the film. i feel psyched up for it. and well i also burned a hole in my wallet. i think i spent GBP3.84 on photocopying! at 6p a sheet, that is 6 times the price of photocopying in singapore! CRAAAAZZZYYY... but i was being nice and didnt borrow the books. i should be rewarded! :) also borrowed the DVD with EXTRAS! hehehe...

for now, i am more excited about reading for that than my essay due on monday. sigh...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

POLL - Naturalism vs US Culture and Writing

i need help. in addition to the many things on my mind. i have to decide what module to take next year. it is a toss up between Naturalism and US Culture and Writing.

Naturalism - taught by the German dept (who are good), only for Film and Lit students (because there are media bits in addition to the novels and drama we look at), quite a few out-spoken coursemates taking the module (which means better class discussions?), heavy topic though (but i kind of like depressing books), just the whole idea of Naturalism can be a little bit of a question mark, but we are doing Weiss and Kafka which i kind of like because they are deeeeep.

US Culture and Writing - taught by the English dept (who have varying standards in teaching but usually lecturers are good... just a matter of whether the seminar tutors are crap), open to all English students (but i think for timetable sake they will put all the Film and Lit students together), loads of stuff about how history and politics shaped the writing, i can get notes from Jess (thrid year senior), people taking it are not so friendly though (or rather not so vocal and fun - which might mean really quiet seminars), doing all novels which might kill me after a while.

HOW HOW? i have until Friday to decide!

A sudden realisation

i sat in French Lit class today and was looking at an extract from Sartre's 'Nausea' and it hit me how unprepared i am for my exams. i have exams in 4 weeks and 2 essays due in the next 2 weeks and if i had to sit for the exam in the 'condition' i am in, oh boy... i feel like an ant panicking!

i am so not prepared to write a single essay for the German/French Lit module, hardly prepared to write the Film Criticism bit of my Basic Issues of Film exam and really really minimally able to write something for the Film History section. and to think i was hoping for a first class. WILL THAT HAPPEN? judging from my averages now, i might be able to get a high second upper. perhaps that will be good enough for first year. i am wondering if i will ever be able to get a first class. i thought initially that it would be a possibility but now the light is dimming at the end of the tunnel. DARN.

i apologise in advance if i am not online as much over the next few days... this comes with the realisation that i have spent so much time doing research for my Camus essay due next monday and not done a single thing for the Brecht essay due the following week! ARGH!

Can't Take That Away

for you...

Our romance won't end on a sorrowful note
Though by tomorrow you're gone
Song has ended but as the songwriter wrote
The melody lingers on

They may take you from me
I'll miss your fond caress
But though they take you from me
I'll still possess...

The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No no, they can't take that away from me

The way you smile just beams
The way you sing off-key
The way you haunt my dreams
No no, they can't take that away from me

Though we may never ever meet again on that bumpy road called 'Love'
Still I'll always always keep the memory of...

The way you hold your knife
The way we danced till 3
The way you've changed my life
No no, they can't take that away from me

No, they can't take that away
No, they wont take that away
No, they can't take that away from me...

Monday, May 02, 2005

my fears and insecurities

have you ever felt like you dont quite belong to a group? like you are always the one slightly out of a circle? i get that a lot. i have always felt like i wasnt good enough/popular/well-liked enough and i always strove to try and squeeze into the popular group, the group that always looked so cool and fun. i've had this fear that if i dont hold on tight enough to something it will disappear when i am not paying attention and i'll lose that bit of happiness that i allow to fill my life, to fill that hollowness that i have from low self-worth.

i know that God loves me unconditionally but sometimes when everything creeps into your life or you allow yourself to be caught up with the world and forget that he is there 24/7, you feel so fearful. fearful of not being loved. of being forgotten. i think i've nailed it. i am afraid of being forgotten. of being a distant memory in people's minds. of being that nameless, faceless person standing at the back of a group. i am afraid that no one will love me if they realise what an average/boring/screw up i am.

today i talked to norman and he told me that i am a free child of God and not to allow myself to be bounded by things not of God. that i am not responsible for everything, especially for people's responses to me. i guess he and josh are right. i should stop blaming myself for everything that goes bad. stop feeling guilty that i am a let down and a disappointment, that i break hearts and cause hurt. and appear cold and unfeeling. as much as i try to let go and let God, i think i still hang on to that guilt because i have always had it in my life and it has grown on me. the self-pitying me.

i want Him to take EVERYTHING away. and today in church (which i almost didnt make it because the bus didnt show up. thankfully God knew how much i needed service today so He sent josh to pick me up) pastor helen showed a video clip and one line stood out - "you are never unloved". you know why? because He died for me. He would have done it JUST for me. and boy do i really need it. when i look at myself i think that He really needed to go through all that for me because i am such a screw up. and i've realised that He sends people to show me i am loved. perhaps i am looking too hard for love when all along it was there. know how sometimes you try so so hard and nothing seems to be better and people still get or get even more hurt? i feel that all the time. i just want to let go. it hurts too much to keep trying. i feel so bogged down with cares that i cant keep it up. i dont really know how to respond to stuff these days and it tires me out thinking of how to because nothing i say might really help mend a broken heart.

please God, help.

thank you jeannie, josh and norman. i felt loved today.